"Something I thought I would never say is about to come out of my mouth." I said, fear flowing through my heart and mind. My body was literally heavy with a weight that I felt silly for feeling. Half of me felt This is obviously right, it is just so right. and the other half felt BUT... I have always been one way am I really allowed to just change my mind, is that okay?
I laid clutching my husband's hand in our pitch black room. We lay side by side, as we are only fortunate enough to do a few days of the week. I could see nothing but I could feel the tears streaming down my face and the pain in my heart that was not a bad pain but I couldn't really label it "good" either. It just felt different. I felt the sadness of loss and the glory of hope all at the same time.
"I am here for you." He responded, squeezing my fingers lightly. We don't ALWAYS hold hands in bed, but when we do it is always meaningful.
"I feel," I sniff, "So confused. I am afraid. I am afraid of the feelings I am having. I am confused and conflicted and I feel ridiculous saying this but I think the holy spirit might be moving through me in this moment." I laugh through my tears and a lump is stuck in my throat, "That is ridiculous, right? I mean who the hell says that shit? What am I saying!?"
***
For the last twelve, maybe thirteen, years of my life I have labelled myself as "spiritual". I preferred to just avoid conversations about religious beliefs and affiliations in general. Spirituality is something I could get behind but still kept my thoughts and beliefs to myself pretty much always. I really valued learning about other people's belief systems. I feel that learning is a tool we undervalue in our society and learning from one another, face to face, over a conversation not an argument is the most beautiful type of learning in my mind.
I have tried really hard, my entire life, to be non judgmental. I know I am not perfect, no one is, but it is a value that is high on my list and a quality that I have been commended on for most of my life. Along with that I have an affinity for love. I love everyone in the world, and I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. You could test this, people do, by dropping names of really "horrible people" and seeing if I can actually say that I love them. I assure you, no test is needed, I do.
Luckily, a little over three years ago, I met a man who found that quality (and many others of mine) attractive. The man I thought could not possibly exist was laid in my life right at the right place and the right time, imagine that? Good thing I don't believe in coincidences. At that time my biggest fear was that I was too experienced for him. That I would scare him away with the fact that I had an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) HSV2 (Herpes simplex virus 2). I was afraid that I was not good enough for him, because he was (and still is) the best person I have ever known.
Our adventure started, we moved along it took me two months to finally tell him and when I did, it was a blip on the radar. That was Christmas Eve 2010. We progressed gracefully through our first year together and then I started having some personal issues, some conflicting feelings. The fear welled up inside of me again and, much like last night, I laid beside him in bed in the dark with tears rolling down my eyes and confessed my heart, week of Christmas 2011. He accepted it, as if it were the only option, and said we would do this together. "We will find what works for us and keep communicating," he said "I love you no matter what."
It still blows my mind that there is a person on this planet who loves me as much as he does. I love him that much too. I love him so much sometimes tears burst from my eyes because I just can't find another way to express it, it isn't sadness, it is happiness... and the feeling of being completed. To imagine that with all my flaws someone is able to love me the same way, though, is just incredible.
This is the time of year for Change for us, it seems. Last year was fairly peaceful, all things considered, there were no big announcements at Christmas, no fears rushing through my entire body as I once again tested the undying, unconditional love of my partner.
***
"I think that what other people think doesn't matter, it shouldn't." He said.
"Not even you though? What if you and I are not on the same page? I can't handle that..."
"Do you think we are?" He squeezed my hand again.
***
Now, I aim to be non judgmental, but I am human. I had my moments with the state I live in... and I have always had a hard time with the people of certain beliefs. For example, Russians. I grew up around them and all the men I knew who were Russian treated women HORRIBLY and it killed me I couldn't stand to be around it. Now, I know people who are Russian and are not this way, I have learned over the years that I had a prejudice and I tried to change it, and feel I have been successful.
The only other group of people I probably judged even more were Christians. Of all sorts, really, religious or non religious Christians, it didn't matter. I found exceptions to the rule over the years, but generally I considered Christians to be less evolved. Mostly because, from my experience, you couldn't believe in Jesus and God and the Bible as well as science. Given that some things are entirely proven by science and can't be ignored, I thought if I had to choose one, I would have to choose science.
***
"It is like what I have always wanted, but never thought I could have. I gave up on a relationship with God when I was told that I had to follow certain rules to be loved by him. When our priests spent time preaching about how Pokemon are evil and self gratification is going to send you to hell, unless, of course, you go to a priest and confess everything and say 40 prayers mindlessly. That just never made sense to me. I wanted it, I have thirst for it for as long as I can remember, but I never felt it, I never felt a connection. So I just left and never looked back." He confessed
***
I don't ignore the signs. A few weeks ago we were ready to pack up and move down to Omaha to be close with some of our friends. One thing led to another and there were several signs that the idea to move was not a good one so we backed off. A lot of why we wanted to move was for that relationship. We miss having friends close, people we trust and know and love, people who get us and care about us and WANT to be with us. He was especially struggling with this, letting it get him down regularly. The friends he thought he had either were no longer or had diminished into something of a shadow of what they were, no longer friendships, just empty shells.
We spent time with a couple we have known for a year, they are nice and sweet, but they are Christian. You know because Christianity is a disqualification for friendship, or at least the close friendship we were looking for. Obviously, as Christians, they were less evolved, right, because they don't believe in science and they are against homosexuality. The defining moment really came when that bubble was burst and those prejudices were put out like a candle after church.
As a matter of fact quite the opposite. Our new friends, who happened to be Christian, believe in science because apparently there is no law that says you can't. They realize the fact that a lot of the Bible was written in a time not like our time now and there were laws then that don't pertain to us now. Their feelings about gay people do not wholly align with mine, but discovering that that doesn't matter. For me to have a relationship with God and Jesus it is really between me and them not my friends or anyone else, even the church.
***
"I am terrified." I cried
"I know, me too." He always sounds so calm even when he isn't another reason we are so great together.
"But why? why am I so worried? Part of me feels like I have to have my mind made up I have to be one thing or another. This is like the whole world got turned on itself though," I breathe deeply trying to keep myself calm, "like science and religion who would have thought? Who could imagine that I could both be myself, as I am and be a child of God? I don't understand it but I want it so badly."
"I do too, desperately. "
"Well, it seems we are on the same page then, even though we didn't even realize it?" I smile, the tears have stopped. "I think I want to be a Christian... Oh my God am I even allowed to say that? I have no idea... that feels so weird. I mean, I am not against Christianity but it has always not been for me, but do you think that I could both be a Christian and be me? That they are not mutually exclusive?" I pant again, starting to get excited.
"I think, honestly, it is the opposite. I think that in order to be a Christian you must be you. You can't go at it as a lie or with rules or outlines, it has to be your whole truth. We are sinners, that's why this whole world exists. You are who you are, I love you for who you are even the things that people might think are sins. Jesus really loves you, though, he loves you and forgives you before you even need the forgiveness..."
I can't tell you how strange this all was to me. It was like I was saying words that I should whisper because they were going to some how end the world. I felt, and still feel, completely terrified. I have no idea what I am doing but I do know how I feel, and that is a great place to start.
"The pain is gone. It is like as soon as I said that it was the spirit moving through me, as soon as I identified it for what it was, I was relieved. I feel so excited right now, so intrigued and exhilarated."
"Me too."
"I feel like I am breaking the rules, though. Like everyone is going to be like, 'What the fuck? You can't be a Christian!'"
"It's none of their business." He ran his finger up the side of my hand reminding me again that it is between me and God.
"Do you want to do this?"
"Yes."
"Honey?"
"Ahuh..."
"I want to be a Christian. I want to be baptized again, as my own choice... I want to know that feeling... I want to be happy with my relationship with God and Jesus not confused and filled with trepidation."
"I do too."
***
This is like running. I always wanted to feel that passion for running that I see in other people. They run and all of their problems fade away from their eyes. The stress on their face eases as they pick up the pace and their feet hit the pavement. I have envied that release. Then I realized... I get that same feeling when I lift weights... I love to lift weights, it is how I do the same thing. Getting the endorphins and releasing the woes...
The same thing applies to this transformation. He said it best last night, "I sat in church my whole life trying so hard to get it right. I really wanted that passion, that love for God. I wanted that relationship with Jesus and an understanding of what they were going through, it looked so enjoyable. Then when I just didn't feel it, I stopped going. I stopped reciting the cult-like prayers with a thoughtless voice. I stopped following the rules that had no explanation to them. I looked for myself, I started soul searching... and I got somewhere but always felt a longing for something, community, and love. I wanted a partner, and I found you and that is what I wanted a partner. But we were both saying it, just a few weeks ago, that something was missing. I really think that this is it. When we went to Red Door both last Sunday and to the holiday concert on Friday I felt it. I felt MOVED I felt like I wanted to be there. I got it, and I felt the love... the way I have always wanted. I was just looking in the wrong place."
***
I think the friends are angels in disguise. They introduced us to the God we never knew but always wanted to know. And God, in his powerful wisdom, was able to see that we wouldn't listen unless it was delivered a certain way. By people like us who we could hear it from. Someone we loved just naturally because we already had so much in common. People who were open and honest, smart and kind, loving and sweet. The exact kind of people I would want to spend the rest of my life friends with. He was desperate for a friend like that, and even more so we were missing something. In our powerful and beautiful marriage, we still needed the community and love that can only be found through Jesus Christ and the fellowship of a church, not a religion. A place we can go to be a part of a community and make a real difference in the world, and be loved, and love.
I am still scared. I am excited and nervous and apprehensive. I am looking forward to learning more and seeing more and doing more. I am also still nervous that suddenly I will wake up and realize that I really am not allowed to be Christian because of one rule or another. I think that comes from the guilt, though, of the church I grew up in. I have my partner by my side. Holding my hand every step of the way and he is doing this for himself as well, not because I think it is best. I could not be happier with that.
Who knows where we'll go from here? I can tell you now, though, I feel so relieved and at peace.
Another Christmas, another realization. I think that this one is the best yet.
Thank you to our dear friends for the best Christmas gift ever, a reintroduction to God.
Thank you God for loving us unconditionally, and especially through your son.
I can't believe these words are coming from me... Pinch me. Actually, don't, This is what I really truly want. This has to be real.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
One Moment
It is amazing how just one moment can mean something to one person and something else entirely to another.
I am not sure how to handle this mother's day. As a holiday goes, it is one of my least favorites. I find it appalling that we need to have ONE day to make best for mom, when every day it should be that way. Besides that, I don't feel I ever had the mom I should have and needed to have in my life.
I feel like an ass complaining, really. There are worse out there, but other experiences are not my experiences. What I can do is work through the memories, the moments I have that were heart wrenching and hard.
The photo you posted today... was really just the cherry on top for me. I was having a really hard weekend that weekend. I remember you being a jerk about one or eleven things and not being very happy when we left. I remember feeling very frustrated by you, like most of my memories. That picture just reminded me of it. Any progress I was making toward wanting to talk to you has subsided.
I really would rather not talk to you anymore.
At all.
Happy Mother's day.
Enjoy your moments, enjoy the memories you think were so special and perfect. You don't remember them the same way I do. SURE our memories are exaggerated by our own schema and experience but my feelings are real to me. Even though you refuse to acknowledge them. I remember... I will always remember. Until you make the move to change, I won't do anything to bring you back into my life. I don't miss you. I just fear you, and that's not healthy.
Like I said. I would really rather never talk to you again.
Ciao.
I am not sure how to handle this mother's day. As a holiday goes, it is one of my least favorites. I find it appalling that we need to have ONE day to make best for mom, when every day it should be that way. Besides that, I don't feel I ever had the mom I should have and needed to have in my life.
I feel like an ass complaining, really. There are worse out there, but other experiences are not my experiences. What I can do is work through the memories, the moments I have that were heart wrenching and hard.
The photo you posted today... was really just the cherry on top for me. I was having a really hard weekend that weekend. I remember you being a jerk about one or eleven things and not being very happy when we left. I remember feeling very frustrated by you, like most of my memories. That picture just reminded me of it. Any progress I was making toward wanting to talk to you has subsided.
I really would rather not talk to you anymore.
At all.
Happy Mother's day.
Enjoy your moments, enjoy the memories you think were so special and perfect. You don't remember them the same way I do. SURE our memories are exaggerated by our own schema and experience but my feelings are real to me. Even though you refuse to acknowledge them. I remember... I will always remember. Until you make the move to change, I won't do anything to bring you back into my life. I don't miss you. I just fear you, and that's not healthy.
Like I said. I would really rather never talk to you again.
Ciao.
Monday, May 6, 2013
What am I even supposed to say?
You are my mom.
You are meant to be the person who loves me the most and hurts me the least.
You are meant to be the person who works everyday for my happiness and prosperity.
You are meant to be the person who supports me in all of my endeavors or at least loves me through them.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
How am I supposed to feel?
I don't even know who you are to me, anymore.
You want us to talk again, but honestly I can think of nothing nice to say to you at all.
You want me to come back to you but it feels, to me, like you're the one who left.
I AM WHO I AM can you not love and accept that. Even if you can now, even if you can get past my immoral marriage and my inability to just CHOOSE which side of happiness I want to be on... Do I even want to speak with you again?
You hurt me in ways I have never been hurt before.
I have been hit, I have been abused, I have been taunted and tortured and teased, I have been through so much hurt emotionally and physically... BUT THIS?! This is unlike any other.
I am not sorry I am not the daughter you wanted me to be! I AM NOT SORRY for not being everything you expected since before I was born. I AM NOT SORRY. Why? because I AM MY OWN PERSON. I want to be myself and be free to be myself.
I want to be able to just BE ME publicly without anyone having a fucking word about it.
I can love you and respect you and honor you regardless of all the fucked up shit that you've done but NO NO NO NO... I want to be married to the best man in the world AND have a happy and committed relationship to a woman!? Fuck that I'm out. Apparently I drew the line somewhere between BEING HAPPY and BEING HAPPY!
Oh but, you have covered that haven't you? We are not meant to be happy in this life? I say bullshit. Fuck that. I will be as happy as I damn well please thank you very much.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know that I will ever say anything to you.
It kills me every time I see your face and hear your name and see that you have contacted me. I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! If you wanted to be there for me, you should have tried that back in February. When I was sitting on the bed sobbing and incapable of moving because my mother was in the process of killing every ounce of happiness I had.
Fuck, why don't we go back a bit further than that? Last August when you were a BITCH on my birthday, and when you wouldn't be respectful of mine and my husbands choices. Last June when you tore my heart out by basically calling me fat and being a total JERK to me as soon as everyone left. Last spring when my brother was hiding from you and you decided to GO OFF ON ME ABOUT IT. I can go on if you would like? I have 25 years of these piled up... some I didn't even remember.
You've torn my heart out and all you care about is how it impacts you. How it effects you. And you know what? I COULD GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS! I have cared MY ENTIRE LIFE for you... made sure I didn't hurt you more than you could take, stood by and bit my tongue through emotional abuse so you could survive another day.
Mom, grow up. Be a mom. Then we can talk.
FUCK!
You are meant to be the person who loves me the most and hurts me the least.
You are meant to be the person who works everyday for my happiness and prosperity.
You are meant to be the person who supports me in all of my endeavors or at least loves me through them.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
How am I supposed to feel?
I don't even know who you are to me, anymore.
You want us to talk again, but honestly I can think of nothing nice to say to you at all.
You want me to come back to you but it feels, to me, like you're the one who left.
I AM WHO I AM can you not love and accept that. Even if you can now, even if you can get past my immoral marriage and my inability to just CHOOSE which side of happiness I want to be on... Do I even want to speak with you again?
You hurt me in ways I have never been hurt before.
I have been hit, I have been abused, I have been taunted and tortured and teased, I have been through so much hurt emotionally and physically... BUT THIS?! This is unlike any other.
I am not sorry I am not the daughter you wanted me to be! I AM NOT SORRY for not being everything you expected since before I was born. I AM NOT SORRY. Why? because I AM MY OWN PERSON. I want to be myself and be free to be myself.
I want to be able to just BE ME publicly without anyone having a fucking word about it.
I can love you and respect you and honor you regardless of all the fucked up shit that you've done but NO NO NO NO... I want to be married to the best man in the world AND have a happy and committed relationship to a woman!? Fuck that I'm out. Apparently I drew the line somewhere between BEING HAPPY and BEING HAPPY!
Oh but, you have covered that haven't you? We are not meant to be happy in this life? I say bullshit. Fuck that. I will be as happy as I damn well please thank you very much.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know that I will ever say anything to you.
It kills me every time I see your face and hear your name and see that you have contacted me. I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! If you wanted to be there for me, you should have tried that back in February. When I was sitting on the bed sobbing and incapable of moving because my mother was in the process of killing every ounce of happiness I had.
Fuck, why don't we go back a bit further than that? Last August when you were a BITCH on my birthday, and when you wouldn't be respectful of mine and my husbands choices. Last June when you tore my heart out by basically calling me fat and being a total JERK to me as soon as everyone left. Last spring when my brother was hiding from you and you decided to GO OFF ON ME ABOUT IT. I can go on if you would like? I have 25 years of these piled up... some I didn't even remember.
You've torn my heart out and all you care about is how it impacts you. How it effects you. And you know what? I COULD GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS! I have cared MY ENTIRE LIFE for you... made sure I didn't hurt you more than you could take, stood by and bit my tongue through emotional abuse so you could survive another day.
Mom, grow up. Be a mom. Then we can talk.
FUCK!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Where Was She? The mother I never had...
The book I am reading told me to make a description of the mother I feel I was missing when I was younger and am lacking currently. This is not easy, but then again it really isn't hard either. What the challenge is, for me, is the taboo of talking about my mother in a way that is less than formidable. I have this place to escape to. Not many people know it even exists. When I write, they may see it but they probably won't. It is as good as a diary.
The mom I wish I had:
She cares about me first, and herself second.
She gave me space to grow up, guiding me but not leading me. Letting me grow into my own person.
She gave me personal space, not intruding into my things and asking questions I didn't feel comfortable answering.
She allowed me to make my own mistakes, without expecting me to be perfect.
She showed me how much she loved my dad, physically, by giving him affection but did not share their trials and tribulations, their personal business with me.
She showed me she loved me, all of me, by never criticizing who I was on the inside or the outside.
She loved herself, and had self confidence. Even though sometimes she probably doesn't always THINK she is gorgeous, she always exuded a level of confidence and self value. Accepting where she is and who she is.
She kept the house clean but didn't get upset when things weren't perfect.
She never judged anyone for anything. She gave everyone the opportunity to be who they were and respected them even if she did not agree with them.
She didn't keep important things from us. She made sure we knew what the truth was, always.
She always made time for me, even when it was not good for her.
She kept my personal things private. If I went to her for something she loved me through it, even if she didn't accept it, and respected it was my issue not sharing it with her friends and family.
She is peaceful. Always such a peaceful and loving person to be around.
Her love is unconditional. Anyone and everyone is welcome, and loved.
She was my mother first, not my friend.
She went to her counselor and friends for help, not me.
She encouraged me to try new things, even if she thought I might fail.
She never once made fun of me. Teasing in fun was fine, but the instant she knew something bothered me it ceased. She loved me entirely for who I was not for what I did.
She treated me and my brother equally, she encouraged my dad to as well.
She allowed me to have secrets.
She was honest about sex, but didn't ask for details.
She taught me about healthy living, eating, working habits... not in diet form but just HEALTHY
She allows me to reach out to HER and lets me have distance as an adult. OF course she worries, but she doesn't put that pressure on me.
This is just a few, for now.
I will revisit this.
ANGEL
The mom I wish I had:
She cares about me first, and herself second.
She gave me space to grow up, guiding me but not leading me. Letting me grow into my own person.
She gave me personal space, not intruding into my things and asking questions I didn't feel comfortable answering.
She allowed me to make my own mistakes, without expecting me to be perfect.
She showed me how much she loved my dad, physically, by giving him affection but did not share their trials and tribulations, their personal business with me.
She showed me she loved me, all of me, by never criticizing who I was on the inside or the outside.
She loved herself, and had self confidence. Even though sometimes she probably doesn't always THINK she is gorgeous, she always exuded a level of confidence and self value. Accepting where she is and who she is.
She kept the house clean but didn't get upset when things weren't perfect.
She never judged anyone for anything. She gave everyone the opportunity to be who they were and respected them even if she did not agree with them.
She didn't keep important things from us. She made sure we knew what the truth was, always.
She always made time for me, even when it was not good for her.
She kept my personal things private. If I went to her for something she loved me through it, even if she didn't accept it, and respected it was my issue not sharing it with her friends and family.
She is peaceful. Always such a peaceful and loving person to be around.
Her love is unconditional. Anyone and everyone is welcome, and loved.
She was my mother first, not my friend.
She went to her counselor and friends for help, not me.
She encouraged me to try new things, even if she thought I might fail.
She never once made fun of me. Teasing in fun was fine, but the instant she knew something bothered me it ceased. She loved me entirely for who I was not for what I did.
She treated me and my brother equally, she encouraged my dad to as well.
She allowed me to have secrets.
She was honest about sex, but didn't ask for details.
She taught me about healthy living, eating, working habits... not in diet form but just HEALTHY
She allows me to reach out to HER and lets me have distance as an adult. OF course she worries, but she doesn't put that pressure on me.
This is just a few, for now.
I will revisit this.
ANGEL
Another day, another dollar, another war...
Recently, I have been going through some pretty rough stuff.
I came out to my mother, super excited about my new girlfriend and the way my life was going with Ben and all. I was hopeful that she would be supportive of me, and loving.
She wasn't. Not even a bit. The only thing she could say was how badly my decisions would reflect on her as a mother, how she couldn't believe that she spent money on another marriage that is a sham, how could I be so insensitive and immoral? The list went on and on. During that time my heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I literally felt like my soul was being crushed over and over again. The cracks which I had been gently walking on for the last 25years of my life finally burst open to reveal the truth.
I felt happy and sad all at once. I was concerned because I can't imagine a life without my mother, but I was relieved because all of the lies that I continued to tell vanished. I finally was set free. I was able to live my life fully. I knew, when I would return home, that my husband would welcome me with open arms. That my girlfriend would hold me close and tell me she loved me and she was sorry my mother wasn't able to accept me for who I was. I even knew, deep down inside, that my brother would accept all I was inside and out, be always has. Still there was the lingering realization that my mother was not who she claimed she was all these years. She was not my mother, she was my controller. I didn't know what to do.
I sought help in an online community I have never lacked to find help in. The ladies there were so supportive and wonderful. One thing led to another and I got introduced to a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". I started reading the book and finally felt a bit of peace. I have also made an appointment to see a counselor.
I think I am in a better place that I could be. I think that over the times with ex and with some of the other things I have worked through I have helped with some of the SYMPTOMS I have, but I think that this is really the root cause of a lot of my issues. I think I have always known that, too and just been afraid to admit it.
So now it is time to do some work. I have to work on me again, keep getting healthier and healthier until I have just spread my love everywhere I can. Just keep being who I am and hoping for the best. I know that this is going to hurt... I know that it will not be easy. But I also know that I will feel SO RELIEVED in the end. And that is really what it is all about, right? Anything written from now on will not be about my experience with my abusive ex husband, but instead about my experience with my narcissistic and therefore abusive mother and working through those things.
Here was the start of it, really. And now I am ready to go back to that and really dig deeper.
And we're off...
Angel
I came out to my mother, super excited about my new girlfriend and the way my life was going with Ben and all. I was hopeful that she would be supportive of me, and loving.
She wasn't. Not even a bit. The only thing she could say was how badly my decisions would reflect on her as a mother, how she couldn't believe that she spent money on another marriage that is a sham, how could I be so insensitive and immoral? The list went on and on. During that time my heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I literally felt like my soul was being crushed over and over again. The cracks which I had been gently walking on for the last 25years of my life finally burst open to reveal the truth.
I felt happy and sad all at once. I was concerned because I can't imagine a life without my mother, but I was relieved because all of the lies that I continued to tell vanished. I finally was set free. I was able to live my life fully. I knew, when I would return home, that my husband would welcome me with open arms. That my girlfriend would hold me close and tell me she loved me and she was sorry my mother wasn't able to accept me for who I was. I even knew, deep down inside, that my brother would accept all I was inside and out, be always has. Still there was the lingering realization that my mother was not who she claimed she was all these years. She was not my mother, she was my controller. I didn't know what to do.
I sought help in an online community I have never lacked to find help in. The ladies there were so supportive and wonderful. One thing led to another and I got introduced to a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". I started reading the book and finally felt a bit of peace. I have also made an appointment to see a counselor.
I think I am in a better place that I could be. I think that over the times with ex and with some of the other things I have worked through I have helped with some of the SYMPTOMS I have, but I think that this is really the root cause of a lot of my issues. I think I have always known that, too and just been afraid to admit it.
So now it is time to do some work. I have to work on me again, keep getting healthier and healthier until I have just spread my love everywhere I can. Just keep being who I am and hoping for the best. I know that this is going to hurt... I know that it will not be easy. But I also know that I will feel SO RELIEVED in the end. And that is really what it is all about, right? Anything written from now on will not be about my experience with my abusive ex husband, but instead about my experience with my narcissistic and therefore abusive mother and working through those things.
Here was the start of it, really. And now I am ready to go back to that and really dig deeper.
And we're off...
Angel
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Gratefuls... Thank you Universe
This was the old list... I want to modify it slightly:
I am so happy and grateful now that I have pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase...
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am at the perfect 160 lbs and I wear a size 8 clothing... I look amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC at advanced my first try and feel amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family.
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner.
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time!
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe.
My modifications:
I am so happy and grateful now that I have pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase... (yeah... I really do want this)
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account. (It is in our offshore invisible bank and will be wired soon)
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful for my recovery as a compulsive over eater and that I am able to love myself fully.
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC! (Done--the old rating system changed)
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE x3)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations. (it is in progress)
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family. (also in progress)
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner(s) (done)
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time! (done)
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe. (done)
I am so happy and grateful now that I have pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase...
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful now that I am at the perfect 160 lbs and I wear a size 8 clothing... I look amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC at advanced my first try and feel amazing!
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family.
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner.
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time!
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe.
My modifications:
I am so happy and grateful now that I have pale yellow turbo VW bug with a sun roof, spoiler, special hub-caps and hot pink flowers in the vase... (yeah... I really do want this)
I am so happy and grateful now that I have a million dollars in my bank account. (It is in our offshore invisible bank and will be wired soon)
I am so happy and grateful now that I am able to donate plenty of time and money to my favorite charities.
I am so happy and grateful for my recovery as a compulsive over eater and that I am able to love myself fully.
I am so happy and grateful that I am in perfect health.
I am so happy and grateful that I graduated college on May 22, 2010 and with amazing grades! (DONE)
I am so happy and grateful that I passed the NIC! (Done--the old rating system changed)
I am so happy and grateful that I have an amazing job as an ASL interpreter. (DONE x3)
I am so happy and grateful that to have a nice clean house that meets all of my needs and expectations. (it is in progress)
I am so happy and grateful to be able to travel around the world at any time with my family. (also in progress)
I am so happy and grateful to be in a loving and committed relationship with my perfect partner(s) (done)
I am so happy and grateful that I am always on time! (done)
I am so happy and grateful to have such an amazing love for life, the world, and the universe. (done)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Two Sided Coin
I was born open. I was born an open person in a closed family. I was born loving and considerate and non judgemental. I was born bisexual. I was born into a happy family. I was born to become the person I am. I was born to love.
When I was younger and the realization that I had an attraction to both men and women first came into being I was scared. I thought that it meant that I was finicky and afraid I would not find a mate in one sex so I opened myself to the second. I was also scared that it meant twice the heartbreak. My experiences as a bi-sexual have been interesting ones to say the least.
The very first crush I had was on a girl. She and I grew up together and we are still friends. She came out of the closet when we were 13, I liked her when we were 10. Then I had crushes on different guys and girls all throughout my life, but no love was ever requited. (Which was probably for the best)
My first love was my best friend who was extremely closed minded and, still, quite possibly closeted. We did things most teenage girls probably don't do together. The night that solidified my bi-sexuality was the night that solidified her homophobia... and we were never the same since. To me it was not meaningless, it was not exploration, it was love and compassion and real. That is when I realized that bi-sexuality, for me, was not a phase I could grow out of, it was there (as a part of me) forever.
My first kiss was one of my best friends (girl) to her it was just getting me over that "first kiss hump" to me it was a shot in the dark. I have had a crush on nearly every one of my female friends (most of them know it). I have made a point since coming out (to friends... not family) of being open and honest with people ESPECIALLY female friends, about my sexuality.
The thing is a lot of them admitted bi-sexuality as well... but then when they got into a serious monogamous relationship it seemed to dissipate easily for them. I kind of looked forward to that. The confusion of bi-sexuality has never been something I have grown accustomed to. When I married the Asshole it didn't go away. And what's worse is he made it into a defect. He continually pestered me about my female friends and told me that I was just a whore and a lesbian and couldn't ever really love anyone fully because of it. It hurt. I felt invalid and ashamed. I felt like there is truly something wrong with me that can't be fixed.
Not to mention, I come from a very loving and considerate family but their values, in terms of homosexuality especially, are very closed. I remember when I tried to come out to my mom after my divorce I figured that she would find a way to understand. My theory is that everyone is on a sliding scale of bi-sexuality and that mine might be further toward the lesbian side (making it hard for me to live without both sexes) and others are closer to the straight side making it easy for them to live in denial of their attraction to the same sex. I said something to my mom about how I loved my girlfriends and sometimes I wished that they weren't in relationships so I could be with them. I asked her if she understood. If she felt that same attraction to *** and *** (some of her REALLY close girl friends). She seemed astonished, and very insulted. I dropped it. Then every time two women or two men shared intimacy on the television or in public she would make a point to judge. I knew that I could never be there with her.
I also remember the first "Holy Family Day" mass we went to together when I was out. The Deacon was going on and on about how the holy family is a MOTHER and a FATHER and a SON and we should work our hardest to model our lives after them. It can not be a family with a FATHER and a FATHER or a MOTHER and a MOTHER or even a single mother or father. Also, God's goal for us is to continue to grow as a species so if we do not procreate we are not trying to mirror our lives after that of the Holy Family. I about died. My hands were clenched to the pew, my knuckles were white. I was IRATE. My mother left the mass feeling "refreshed" and saying how much she KNOWS that gay people's marriages are not appropriate in the eyes of god and they, unfortunately, will never know the true blessing of marriage. I felt my heart and soul die a little bit that day.
So then when I was single last year I gave serious consideration to starting a relationship with a woman. I figured maybe I was more of a lesbian than I thought and I found myself noticing women, more than men, who I might want to start a relationship with. I really wanted to put it on EHarmony when I was looking there (and found Amazing Fiance) but there was no bi-sexual option available. What is also interesting is my attraction to women and men is very similar. There is not a body type that I was looking for but the personality was nearly the same. Smart, nerdy, loving, non judgemental, interesting, interested... etc. (List goes on).
And then I met Amazing Guy. I am TOTALLY in love with him... I thought for sure this would be my chance for that other side of my coin to erode. It felt like it did temporarily but there has always been a part of me, no matter how big or small, that is going ... not unsatisfied... not unhappy... just... incomplete. I am truly bi-sexual. I want the family and I love the love I have with the most wonderful man in my life... but I need the relationship with a woman as well. I was able to satiate it for a time with my girl friends and going out with them but now they are all gone and all in monogamous and straight relationships.
With the worsening ache of emptiness encroaching on me I started back in my old, and not so good, habits. I struck up an old relationship with a friend which was entirely unhealthy. I knew it was unhealthy because from the start I felt dirty and unhappy. I felt sneaky and , still, incomplete. I was just trying to fill a hole, not figure out what was wrong.
One night when I was at the bottom with that friendship I was talking with a woman who has been my friend (and a crush of mine) for a year and a half. I some how got the overwhelming urge to confess to her my deepest and darkest secrets, secrets I have told NO ONE, and the feelings that I was having of incompleteness. She explained to me that I might be going to the wrong person considering she and her husband were in a Polyamerous relationship. I had NO IDEA what that meant-I also had NO IDEA that that would lead to the most relieving moment of my life.
She and I conducted a conversation about poly as well as bi-sexuality. I realized that maybe the feelings I had for her were there for a reason. Not only that but maybe they could be the answer to the question that was burning a hole in my heart and my head. She is married, she has children, she just feels the other half of her coin is incomplete... her other side matches my other side. She is my other other half. There is a hope in my heart that one day I can be still in a very true and monogamous relationship with Amazing Husband as well as with her simultaneously. I could be completed and no longer confused or embarrassed by who I am inside. I can easily see a future with the beautiful children my husband and I will love and raise and teach as well as with the woman I love as a vital part of our lives and us as a vital part of her, and her family's lives.
In my perfect world this will all work out. I can exist the way I was born to exist. I can love, and live and be loved and be who I am ... COMPLETELY not just partially. I can keep, love, value, treasure, appreciate and show BOTH sides of my coin.
When I was younger and the realization that I had an attraction to both men and women first came into being I was scared. I thought that it meant that I was finicky and afraid I would not find a mate in one sex so I opened myself to the second. I was also scared that it meant twice the heartbreak. My experiences as a bi-sexual have been interesting ones to say the least.
The very first crush I had was on a girl. She and I grew up together and we are still friends. She came out of the closet when we were 13, I liked her when we were 10. Then I had crushes on different guys and girls all throughout my life, but no love was ever requited. (Which was probably for the best)
My first love was my best friend who was extremely closed minded and, still, quite possibly closeted. We did things most teenage girls probably don't do together. The night that solidified my bi-sexuality was the night that solidified her homophobia... and we were never the same since. To me it was not meaningless, it was not exploration, it was love and compassion and real. That is when I realized that bi-sexuality, for me, was not a phase I could grow out of, it was there (as a part of me) forever.
My first kiss was one of my best friends (girl) to her it was just getting me over that "first kiss hump" to me it was a shot in the dark. I have had a crush on nearly every one of my female friends (most of them know it). I have made a point since coming out (to friends... not family) of being open and honest with people ESPECIALLY female friends, about my sexuality.
The thing is a lot of them admitted bi-sexuality as well... but then when they got into a serious monogamous relationship it seemed to dissipate easily for them. I kind of looked forward to that. The confusion of bi-sexuality has never been something I have grown accustomed to. When I married the Asshole it didn't go away. And what's worse is he made it into a defect. He continually pestered me about my female friends and told me that I was just a whore and a lesbian and couldn't ever really love anyone fully because of it. It hurt. I felt invalid and ashamed. I felt like there is truly something wrong with me that can't be fixed.
Not to mention, I come from a very loving and considerate family but their values, in terms of homosexuality especially, are very closed. I remember when I tried to come out to my mom after my divorce I figured that she would find a way to understand. My theory is that everyone is on a sliding scale of bi-sexuality and that mine might be further toward the lesbian side (making it hard for me to live without both sexes) and others are closer to the straight side making it easy for them to live in denial of their attraction to the same sex. I said something to my mom about how I loved my girlfriends and sometimes I wished that they weren't in relationships so I could be with them. I asked her if she understood. If she felt that same attraction to *** and *** (some of her REALLY close girl friends). She seemed astonished, and very insulted. I dropped it. Then every time two women or two men shared intimacy on the television or in public she would make a point to judge. I knew that I could never be there with her.
I also remember the first "Holy Family Day" mass we went to together when I was out. The Deacon was going on and on about how the holy family is a MOTHER and a FATHER and a SON and we should work our hardest to model our lives after them. It can not be a family with a FATHER and a FATHER or a MOTHER and a MOTHER or even a single mother or father. Also, God's goal for us is to continue to grow as a species so if we do not procreate we are not trying to mirror our lives after that of the Holy Family. I about died. My hands were clenched to the pew, my knuckles were white. I was IRATE. My mother left the mass feeling "refreshed" and saying how much she KNOWS that gay people's marriages are not appropriate in the eyes of god and they, unfortunately, will never know the true blessing of marriage. I felt my heart and soul die a little bit that day.
So then when I was single last year I gave serious consideration to starting a relationship with a woman. I figured maybe I was more of a lesbian than I thought and I found myself noticing women, more than men, who I might want to start a relationship with. I really wanted to put it on EHarmony when I was looking there (and found Amazing Fiance) but there was no bi-sexual option available. What is also interesting is my attraction to women and men is very similar. There is not a body type that I was looking for but the personality was nearly the same. Smart, nerdy, loving, non judgemental, interesting, interested... etc. (List goes on).
And then I met Amazing Guy. I am TOTALLY in love with him... I thought for sure this would be my chance for that other side of my coin to erode. It felt like it did temporarily but there has always been a part of me, no matter how big or small, that is going ... not unsatisfied... not unhappy... just... incomplete. I am truly bi-sexual. I want the family and I love the love I have with the most wonderful man in my life... but I need the relationship with a woman as well. I was able to satiate it for a time with my girl friends and going out with them but now they are all gone and all in monogamous and straight relationships.
With the worsening ache of emptiness encroaching on me I started back in my old, and not so good, habits. I struck up an old relationship with a friend which was entirely unhealthy. I knew it was unhealthy because from the start I felt dirty and unhappy. I felt sneaky and , still, incomplete. I was just trying to fill a hole, not figure out what was wrong.
One night when I was at the bottom with that friendship I was talking with a woman who has been my friend (and a crush of mine) for a year and a half. I some how got the overwhelming urge to confess to her my deepest and darkest secrets, secrets I have told NO ONE, and the feelings that I was having of incompleteness. She explained to me that I might be going to the wrong person considering she and her husband were in a Polyamerous relationship. I had NO IDEA what that meant-I also had NO IDEA that that would lead to the most relieving moment of my life.
She and I conducted a conversation about poly as well as bi-sexuality. I realized that maybe the feelings I had for her were there for a reason. Not only that but maybe they could be the answer to the question that was burning a hole in my heart and my head. She is married, she has children, she just feels the other half of her coin is incomplete... her other side matches my other side. She is my other other half. There is a hope in my heart that one day I can be still in a very true and monogamous relationship with Amazing Husband as well as with her simultaneously. I could be completed and no longer confused or embarrassed by who I am inside. I can easily see a future with the beautiful children my husband and I will love and raise and teach as well as with the woman I love as a vital part of our lives and us as a vital part of her, and her family's lives.
In my perfect world this will all work out. I can exist the way I was born to exist. I can love, and live and be loved and be who I am ... COMPLETELY not just partially. I can keep, love, value, treasure, appreciate and show BOTH sides of my coin.
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